Today is my last day at Sourcegraph.
I left jobs before but usually I'd have a new role waiting for me after just a short break, if any.
But now I am quitting for the unknown.
And it is emotional.
Quitting for the Unknown
For so long, I have been anticipating this day.
It signified the apex of personal freedom and independent decision-making. Boundless creativity in working on whatever I want instead of obediently conforming to the norm.
But surprisingly, I don't feel any of these.
Instead, I feel that I may not rush anymore.
Take a lazy stroll and look around. Play with my son. Spend a few hours in a bookstore flipping through the pages.
As an achiever, it's a very unusual feeling. I was always hurrying.
What surprises me even more, is despite the endless list of ideas I've been zealously writing down, I don't know what to do.
I always imagined an instant transition to working on something meaningful.
But although I'm entertaining some ideas now, I am not committing to any.
Full-time Entrepreneurship Feelings
This sensation of floating in the vacuum must be one of the main reasons why some indie hackers are postponing entrepreneurship.
It's scary, troubling, and odd.
I'm used to devoting myself to some cause. Even when I wasn't productive, having a job gave me meaning and affiliation.
Meaning and Satisfaction
Or so I thought.
It seems that instead of true meaning or satisfaction, it offered a surrogate. Better than nothing but less than ideal.
Now it's hard for me to articulate clearly what was wrong, but I am seeing more progress in developing my better self.
And as the pressure is finally coming off, I am expecting to learn more about myself and the world.
I am embracing the unknown.
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